Rattlesnakes and Turtles

Many say there is less shame in the world these days.  I would say the opposite is true—there is an abundance of shame.  This drives many of the negative behaviors we see in our others, our children and ourselves.

People feel SHAME when they believe they haven’t lived up to their own or others expectations.  There is no shortage of expectations on all of us.

–          How often does the media remind us we’re not pretty enough or thin enough?
–          How often does Facebook remind us our lives aren’t as perfect as others?
–          How often does our child’s behavior remind us we are not the perfect parent or teacher?
–          How often do we make a point of letting others know how they failed us?

Our most troubled and troublesome children have usually had a lifetime of believing, and being told in many ways, that they don’t live up to peoples’ expectations.

When people feel shame, they respond as either a “Turtle” or “Rattlesnake.”  In Turtles, the shame plays out as anxiety.  With Rattlesnakes, it plays out as anger.  Both are purely defensive, just like they are in the real animals, according to author Ray Mathis.

Unfortunately, we often react and take offense to anger in young people without seeing they are just trying to protect themselves. The same holds true for turtles.  What do we say?  “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”  Adults have the same reactions.

Shame causes very dangerous habits that are hard to correct:

1)  People keep their thoughts, feelings or actions a secret
2)  People deny there’s anything wrong, and pretend there isn’t a problem
3)  People are less likely to accept or ask for help that is available

When people isolate themselves, they often seek relief by unhealthy means: drugs, alcohol, abuse or even attempting suicide. As renowned psychologist Albert Ellis said, “Shame blocks change.”

Take a moment to consider the role shame plays in your life and the lives of others. Understanding the role shame plays will help us respond to others instead of react to them.