Mar
26
2018
Threats to survival
A friend recently complained about their anger. I asked them if they wanted to do something about it. Surprisingly, they said, “No.”
It made me think about behaviors and why we cling to even those that are counterproductive and irrational.
It occurred to me that if that person lost their anger, they would be vulnerable. It is a psychological defense mechanism—a way to protect the person—a way to stay safe against a perceived threat. These behaviors work for us, but letting go would jeopardize perceived safety. Few are willing to give up safety.
This is true of all of us as well. We all have our go-to reactions. We may feel guilty afterward, but it is what we do. It’s hard for us to recognize these behaviors or defense mechanism in ourselves. Here are a few questions that may help you spot them.
- What reactions seem out of proportion from the stimulus, i.e., what little things cause you to fly off the handle?
- What reactions come out in a split-second reaction; reactions you rarely have time to think about before doing?
- What things, behaviors, emotions are you not willing to give up?
Discovering and identifying these things is only the start. Changing behavior is hard. It takes time and repetition. Time we feel we don’t have. Even after you’ve learned a new or better way, you have the challenge of not using the same neural pathways in the brain. As someone said, “The brain seeks familiarity over novelty.” That means things will travel down worn paths (as irrational as they may be) rather than going the new way. We must create new pathways and that takes time.
What do we take away from this?
1. Awareness. We can all do a better job recognizing our own and others defense mechanisms2. Have some grace. We must manage expectations about behavior change in ourselves and others3. Reflect. Ask yourself, “what does this feeling remind me of?” If we can identify the first time we felt that way, we can often understand the source of our defense mechanisms.
