Rules for listening

“It’s been so long since I had someone who would really listen to me.”

I find a lot of people struggle with the challenge of listening, especially if the topic is emotional or deeply personal. Here are some reasons it is hard.

1. Pressure. We feel pressure or responsibility to “fix” something.
2. Our comfort levels won’t allow it. It is uncomfortable to see someone else crying or hurting.
3. Easier to not. Frankly, it is more simple to just keep it superficial.

Listening doesn’t come naturally to many people. Like most things, it is a skill that needs to be practiced. Often, just removing some of the obstacles is enough. Here are some ideas that may help you be more inclined to listen.

1. It is not your job to fix other peoples problems. Take a deep breath, relax and just listen.
2. Letting someone talk is therapeutic in and of itself. There is nothing you need to add to it. Take a deep breath, relax and just listen.
3. Clear your mind and stop thinking about what you need to say. Just listen.
4. Delete all platitudes and cliches from you mind. Immerse yourself in the story and let your responses be genuine and heartfelt.
5. Emotions such as crying are natural and therapeutic. Be comforting, but not in a way that asks the crying person to stop crying.
6. Silence is golden. You don’t have to fill every second with noise. Ten seconds of sitting silently with a thought or emotion can be an amazing thing.
7. Don’t make it about you. We often want to let someone know how we can relate with clever segue ways or personal anecdotes. Don’t. Just listen.

One thing all these points have in common is that they are about us, not the person to whom we are listening. They are about our own comfort levels and what what we feel we can emotionally tolerate.

Once you take the pressure off yourself, you can relax and be there for someone else. I think you will find the less you do, the more benefits you will see.