Be Curious

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” ― David W. Augsburger

Many clients have asked how to better connect with their kids and spouses. Adults ask how to have good conversations with their parents, especially around the holidays where anticipated time with the family generates tons of anxiety. It’s a very common problem. Many, many people struggle to communicate. It does not come naturally to most.

Here is what I find to be the biggest issue: We are not interested in what people have to say as much as we are interested in telling them what we want them to hear.

In most conversations with our loved ones, we tend to ask questions to which we already know the answers. That causes a problem — If we already know the answer, why listen?

For example, what is your goal in asking your child, “Why didn’t you do your homework?”

 

This is, of course, a no-win scenario for the child. No answer will be satisfactory. So is the question really to understand why the work wasn’t done? No. It’s a springboard to give the parent the high ground to pontificate on all the merits of time management, prioritizing, value of school, discipline, importance of grades, etc.

I’m sure all of us received such questions when we were children. “If everybody jumped off a cliff, would you?” (It didn’t work on us either.) As adults, we may still be stuck in the same ineffective communication loop with our own parents.

Here is a simple suggestion: Be curious about the person, topic, event, emotions, relationship, etc.

How do we do that?
1. Ask questions you honestly don’t know the answer to. Sometimes this takes a moment to consider the question, but people pick up on the authenticity.
2. Listen to understand, not refute or respond. Remain open to whatever the answer is — don’t anticipate.
3. Ask open-ended questions — These are questions that can’t be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and invite more content
4. Don’t ask “Why” questions. This almost immediately puts people on the defense.

The goal is to give others the space and opportunity to talk about themselves, to be heard and understood. This is not always an easy thing to do. It takes intentionality and work to understand their perspective and point of view, but it almost guarantees making a connection with anyone.

“Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention… A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.” — Rachel Naomi Remen