The relationship with yourself

“Without reflections, we go blindly on our way, creating more unintended consequences, and failing to achieve anything useful.”   — Margaret J. Wheatley

Our relationships with other people are indispensable. We spend a lot of time and energy ensuring we maintain them.  Have you ever considered your relationship with yourself?  We often think about how we treat others, but rarely consider how we treat ourselves. If we treated someone else like we treat ourselves, they would have little to nothing to do with us.  

Unfortunately, I don’t think we realize how poorly we treat ourselves because it has become the status quo. We let ourselves get away with it again and again until it is “normal.”  Would you ever say to someone else the things you say to yourself? No way!

Being nice to ourselves is very hard. Want proof? Right now, give yourself three compliments. Can you come up with three? Is it uncomfortable or awkward? If I asked you to tell me three things you’re not good at, they would just roll off the tongue. 

Here’s the point, how we talk to ourselves matters and has real impacts on our lives. What we think about our bodies determines what we wear. What we think about our athleticism determines what sports we play, if any. For most of us, our self-talk determines what risks we are willing to take. How many things have you not tried because you have convinced yourself you are not capable?  

Here are some steps you can take to be a little nicer to you.

1. Talk to yourself using your first name or the word “you.” Research shows when you start self-talk this way, you tend to be more supportive and less critical than starting with the word “I.”   

2. Write down three things you say to yourself every day. This requires you listening and noticing what you say, how you say it and when you say it. This is where you start.

3. Take one of these things you say to yourself and see if there is any rational evidence for it. For example, if you say you are not good at math, ask what evidence there is for it.  I’m guessing you manage your finances, can calculate a budget, etc.  When did you first start thinking that?  How do you define “good?”  You’ll find you can shoot a bunch of holes in that one statement. 

4. Write down three things you did well that day. One way to challenge the negative is to notice the positive. We tend to focus on the small percent of things we do wrong or struggle with instead of the majority of things we do well.

Self-talk is a habit and it takes time, effort and practice to change. It won’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself. You will find even small changes will make a huge difference in your confidence and happiness.