They’re listening

Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble. — Yehuda Berg

A common theme I see in younger clients is low self-esteem. There are a number of reasons for this, but one factor is what they hear.

Some time back, I asked a classroom of adolescents, “What words have you heard adults use to describe your and your peers?” The top five responses were: obnoxious, annoying, inconsiderate, selfish, and immature. I received a lot of other words, but 99.9% of which were very negative.

This is nothing new. As far back as 400 B.C., Socrates is credited as saying, “The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”

While many students agreed there is some truth to the descriptors, they also said the words “hurt.”

What struck me the most was that these were not words they made up to describe themselves. These were words they actually heard. I have no doubt adults pay them compliments as well, but these are the words that resonated and stuck.

What can we do as adults and parents to help our children? The answer lies not in changing them, but in changing us.

A wide range of research suggests that the magic ratio is 5:1–5 positive comments or interactions for every negative.

Positive interactions can include feedback appropriate behavior or a simple smile, nod, wink, greeting, attention, hand shake or high five. Negative interactions can include behavioral corrections or ignoring positive behavior.

Here’s what studies on interaction say in the school setting.
– After withdrawing praise from a classroom, off-task behavior increased from 8.7% to 25.5%
– When the rate of criticism was increased, off-task behavior increased from 25.5% to 31.2% with over 50% off-task behavior on some days (Becker, Engleman, & Thomas, 1975)
– In classes where teachers provided less than 65% positive statements, the percentage of students reporting that they like school decreased over the course of the school year
– In classes where teachers provided more than 70% positive statements, students reporting that they like school remained high across the school year

Research indicates that you can improve children’s behavior by 80% just by pointing out what someone is doing correctly. Praise has the strongest research, with increases shown in:
– Work productivity and accuracy
– Academic performance
– On-task behavior and attention
– Compliance, positive comments about self

Human nature tends to focus on the negative. To focus on the positive, we have to be deliberate in monitoring ourselves and how we speak, especially to our children. It matters because they are listening.

Sources:
– Cook et al (under review). Evaluating the Impact of Teachers’ Ratio of Positive-to-Negative Interactions on Classroom Behavior: The 5-to-1 Ratio Proactive Classroom Management Strategy.
– Shores, R.E., Gunter, P.L., & Jack, S.L. (1993). Classroom management strategies: Are they setting events for coercion? Behavioral Disorders, 18, 92-102.
– “The undermining effect of extrinsic reward on intrinsic motivation remains unproven” Steven Reiss, 2005
– www.happybrainscience.com/the-ideal-praise-to-criticism-ratio-at-work-51/